01/12/2017 Issue 36

Celtic were awarded two penalties in a week and everyone went aff their nut!! Celtic will face Motherwell for the third time this week on Saturday at Celtic Park. The first in their trio of fixtures against the Steelmen came in the League Cup final at Hampden on Sunday. The Hoops went on to lift the cup with a 2-0 victory, their second coming from a Moussa Dembele penalty. Motherwell supporters, pundits and players all contested the justification of the penalty til they were blue in the face. So when the second fixture came around on Wednesday evening, and Celtic were awarded their second penalty of the week against the same opposition there was an uproar! Motherwell looked set to end Celtic’s run of 65 unbeaten domestic matches, the men in claret were leading by a goal up until the 88th minute when referee Willie Collum awarded Celtic midfielder Callum McGregor for what looks like a dive in the box. The game finished 1-1, and the Hoops march on to 66 undefeated domestic games. Should they draw or win on Saturday afternoon against the Well, they will have reached 67 undefeated domestic games. Should they be awarded another penalty, we may see folk emigrating to Canada (seriously the situation caused that much shock – drastic measures must be taken).

Gareth Bale is injured again! After returning for one game following his 2-month long injury, he’s been called back to the physio room for some repair work. The lads made of chocolate! The Welshman pulled his calf muscle during a 2-2 draw with Fuenlabrada. Ultimately he’s kept his team in the Copa del Rey; assisting the two goals which salvaged some pride at home against the team sitting top of the Segunda Division B.

Great credit goes to Fuenlabrada, who could definitely have bagged a couple more goals and perhaps have knocked out the great Real Madrid in the process. The first goal came from Luis Milla, and it was a cracker. His manager, looked on in shock and utter delight as the Indonesian player opened the scoring for the third division side at the Santiago Bernabeu. There was a bit of luck involved in the ball getting over the line, but he took the chance and put his side ahead. The second was scored from a counter attack, a move which picked Real Madrid apart all game. It was scored by Alvaro Portilla Suarez who won the ball in the midfield, passed it onto his winger, continue his run and finished with his second chance at the shot. The determination he showed will no doubt be remembered by every Fuenlabrada supporter for years to come.

Wayne Rooney scores a wonder goal at Goodison! In Everton’s 4-0 win over West Ham, Wazza scored a hat-trick and his third was quite simply a thing of beauty. A peach of a goal from the half way line, taken first time, graciously sailing over two West Ham heads and goalkeeper Joe Hart. Sublime!

Sam Allardyce has been handed the job at Everton.

Alan Pardew is the new manager of West Brom. Replacing Tony Pulis previously in charge of the Baggies for three season.

Carlos Pena was back on the Rangers score sheet with a 3-0 victory over Aberdeen at Ibrox. James Tavernier scored a brace and took his side into third place, closing the gap on the Dons to three points.

Hibernian Ladies lifted the Scottish Cup; the result means that they have now won the last four major cup finals. They beat Glasgow City Ladies 3-0 at Livingston’s Almondvale Stadium. The highlight of the match goes to Siobhan Hunters who scored an absolute screamer in the second half to double the Hibees lead.

England draw Belgium, Tunisia and Panama in the 2018 World Cup draw. I’ve never owned a Panama tap?

ONES TO WATCH

Motherwell 1 v 1 Celtic: https://youtu.be/dMjWF4RUqfo

Real Madrid 2 v 2 Fuenlabrada: https://youtu.be/VvQdHV6IPf0

Wayne Rooney: https://youtu.be/aHxHIPQJFNU

Rangers 3 v 0 Aberdeen: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/42075928

Hibernian Ladies 3 v 0 Glasgow City: http://scotwomensfootball.com/sse-sw-cup-final-city-v-hibs/

 

03/02/2017 Issue 4

A lot has happened in a week. This is less of a wee 1-2, and more of a one on one with the keeper, keeper fouls, ref blows the whistle, penalty given, goalkeeper saves it, crowd goes wild, penalty taker gets subbed off, replacement runs through on goal, plays the 1-2 and…..GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLL!!!

The point I’m trying to make is that there was a hell of a lot of stories this week, but they were all worth a write up. So, there’s a bit of extra reading but it’s all worth it in the end. Promise!

So, in the last issue (issue 3) we told you that Celtic had equaled a record set by Jock Stein’s Lisbon Lions. Well this week, after a 4-0 thrashing of Hearts, Celtic have broken that 50-year-old record. A Callum McGregor opener, Scott Sinclair brace and Paddy Roberts finish dispatched a some-what underachieving Hearts side to take their unbeaten run to 27 games (28 including their Aberdeen win mid-week). Brendan Rodgers side have only dropped 2 points in the entire league campaign, so far, and have fans wondering if they will ever be beaten. The 18th September 2016 was the last time Celtic dropped points; drawing 2-2 with Inverness Caley Thistle. Since then, Celtic have won 17 on the bounce. In fact, make that 18 on the bounce after their 1-0 win against Aberdeen on Wednesday night. Dedryck Boyata came up with the goods yet again, a header in the 57th minute. Celtic now sit at the top of the Scottish Premier League with 67 points, 25 points ahead of their closest challengers Rangers. (The same points difference between 2nd place and last) UNBELIEVABLE. UNDEFEATED.

Hearts handed out their own drubbing of Rangers Football Club on Wednesday night. The Jambo’s demolished the Ibrox side 4-1 at Tynecastle. Aberdeen are now only two points adrift of second place, Rangers, and the Dons have a game in hand. Ian Cathro’s side sit 4th in the league table, 6 points behind Aberdeen and 8 points behind Rangers. Aberdeen meet Rangers on 9th April at Pittodrie.

In other Scottish football news, Kilmarnock striker Kris Boyd also broke a record by scoring the fastest Premiership goal. The striker took only 10.4 seconds to break the deadlock against Ross County at Rugby Park. The SPL’s highest goal scorer admits that he doesn’t remember much about the incident, and was sure he was offside.  His side recorded a 3-2 home win against Ross County. Make sure you check out the highlights below – cracking game of fitbaw!

Also for your amusement, there is a rather hilarious video circling the YouTube of former Celtic player and all round good guy, Chris Sutton, attempting to re-create Kris Boyd’s historical goal. Fellow pundit, Terry Butcher, is having none of it and absolutely cements Sutton who charges in on goal. Great watch!

The FA Cup draw has set up a mammoth David v Goliath tie in the fifth-round. Sutton United will face Premier League top 4 regulars, Arsenal, at home. The 12-time winners are in for a bit of a shock at the Gander Green Lane stadium. Sutton’s home ground host’s a 5,000-capacity crowd, a changing room you could barely swing a cat in and a 45-year-old reserve goalkeeper. Arsenal are, of course, the favorites to win the tie but Sutton have knocked out superior competition before. The question is, can David strike again? Bearing in mind Goliath packs a pretty good punch in Mesut Ozil, Alexis Sanchez, Aaron Ramsey, Theo Walcott, Petr Cech, Per Mertesacker, the Ox, Olivier Giroud, Danny Welbeck and even manager, Arsene Wenger, packs a good punch *coughs* push himself. Apart from that, I reckon David’s got a very decent chance. C’mon United! (The game will be shown live on the BBC on Monday 20th February, kick off at 7:55pm)

Football returned to Aleppo for the first time in 5 years. After many years of conflict Aleppo experienced a degree of normality during a 90-minute game of football between local rivals, Al Ittihad and Horiyah. The game was played in an actual bomb-site, in the Ri’ayat al-Shabab stadium. Football in Aleppo has been disbanded over the past 5 years, as the city became a battleground between rebel forces, pro-government forces, Russian airstrikes, and British airstrikes. Al-Ittihad won the game 2-1, in front of a packed stadium. More than 30,000 people have been killed in the Battle for Aleppo, perhaps the return of football will come to signify unity, strength, safety and peace in the region. It will hopefully work to gain some level of normality in the Syrian people’s lives.

Barcelona took one step closer to the Copa del Rey final on Wednesday night, after beating rivals Atletico Madrid 2-1 at the Vicente Calderon. Luis Suarez and Lionel Messi scored before the half, but French international Antoine Griezmann clinched an important goal before the end, giving his side some hope for the second leg to be played next Tuesday 7th February at the Nou Camp.

The other semi-final tie ended in a 0-0 draw between Celta Vigo and Alaves. The second leg will be played at the Mendizorrotza next Wednesday (kick off 8pm).  

Last week it was Arsene, this week it’s his old pal Jose.

Yes, the Special One has lost it! He hates EVERYONE! Referees, fourth officials, journalists, and the BBC. After a 0-0 draw with Hull City on Wednesday night, Mr. Mourinho stormed out of an interview with the BBC. The Special One ended the conversation telling interviewer, Martin Fisher:

“If you don’t know football, you shouldn’t have a microphone.”

The Manchester United manager also raged over the vast difference in treatment he receives from the match officials. Mourinho has been keen to point out an incident between fourth official, Neil Swarbrick, and Liverpool manager, Jurgen Klopp, during Chelsea’s 1-1 draw with Liverpool on Tuesday evening. An angry Klopp apologized to Swarbrick who received an ear-full from the German during the second half. Swarbrick response sparked Mourinho’s outrage. The fourth official replied, “No problem, I like your passion.” The Special One isn’t happy, and insists, that for him – everything is different. A big tough titty to you!

Peter Crouch scored his 100th Premier League goal, as Stoke drew 1-1 with Everton. He pulled out ye old Robot celebration, made famous at the 2006 World Cup.

The transfer window has come to an end, and there isn’t much to report really. Payet left, and some West Ham fans were seething, but he has Thierry Henry’s backing so it’s all Va Va Voom. Berahinho made a move away from West Brom, and Stoke City signed a neat little striker for a rather decent £12million fee. Manchester City brought in Gabriel Jesus, who has already made a great impression on the City faithful. West Ham brought in Snoddy and Fonte, which looks like a tasty wee deal, and may take some of the sting from Payet’s departure. You can check out your team’s signing in the link below (JANUARY TRANSFER WINDOW – England, how did your club do?).

In Scotland, Stephen Pearson returns to Motherwell for his third spell. Kilmarnock have brought in former striker Conor Sammon on loan and former Celtic player, Kristoffer Ajer, who has made a big impression on the Killie fans already. Ryan Christie has moved to Aberdeen on loan until the end of the season. Celtic have brought in midfielder Eboue Kouassi (leave some vowels for the rest of us big man). Henrik Ojamaa is back in Scotland, and will feature in Paul Hartley’s Dundee side. Niall Keown, son of Martin, has signed a loan deal with Partick Thistle. You can check out your team’s signing in the link below (JANUARY TRANSFER WINDOW – Scotland, how did your club do?)

Ex-Chelsea, West Ham, Manchester City, England and New York City player Frank Lampard has retired. On Thursday morning, he broke the news bringing an end to a football career spanning 21 years. Lampard won many honors in this time; lifting the English Premier League title on three occasions (Chelsea 2004-05, 2005-06, 2009-10); 4 FA Cups; 2 League Cups; 2 FA Community Shields; 1 Champions League trophy (2012) and 1 Europa League trophy (2013). Frank Lampard was awarded 106 caps for England, and appeared at his first major international tournament at the European Champions in 2004. Lampard represented his country at the 2006, 2010 and 2014 World Cup Finals. He scored 29 goals for his country and is 1 of only 8 players to have earned 100 England caps.

Egypt will meet Cameroon in the final of the African Cup of Nations this Sunday 5th February (kick off 7pm).

And there you have it; your weekly round-up!  

 

 ONES TO WATCH

RECORD BREAKERS

Celtic 4 – 0 Hearts: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38709176

Archie MacPherson comments: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38774708  

 

HEARTS DEMOLISH RANGERS

Match highlights: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38740392

 

KRIS BOYD BREAKS ANOTHER GOAL SCORING RECORD

Fastest goal in Premiership history: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/scotland/38791562

Kilmarnock 3 – 2 Ross County: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/scotland/38784067

 

THE BATTLE FOR ALEPPO

The first football game in five years: https://www.rt.com/sport/375682-aleppo-first-football-match/

 

MOURINHO HATES EVERYONE

That BBC interview (or lack of): http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38835923

 

CENTENARY BOY

Peter Crouch gets his 100th PL goal: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38836342

The Robot: https://youtu.be/Htmj309y4sw

 

JANUARY TRANFER WINDOW

England, how did your club do?: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2017/feb/01/transfer-window-premier-league-club-by-club

Scotland, how did your club do?: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38799105

 

FRANK LAMPARD

Stats and juicy tit bits: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/37985587

A look back at his career: https://youtu.be/NX6Z6PtCh3s

Disallowed goal v Germany at 2010 World Cup: https://youtu.be/o5QlBHF6ib8

Chelsea Tribute: https://youtu.be/6xhUslfEL3Q

20/01/2017 Issue 2

What a week it’s been!

Pep Guardiola suffered his heaviest ever League defeat as a manager at the hands of Ronald Koeman’s Everton. It was a great day for the Toffees who thrashed Man City 4-0 at Goodison Park. Teenagers Tom Davies, 18, and Ademola Lookman, 19, both got on the scoresheet. The pair grabbed the Monday morning headlines and appear to have a bright future ahead of them. Their mature and clinical performances led to Man City’s 5th league defeat of the season and forced manager, Pep Guardiola, to concede that the Citizens title race was over. Oh dear! Looks like someone might be heading home soon.

Next up! Paul Pogba’s dab earned Liverpool a penalty. The £89 million player entertained the Theater of Dreams with some rather odd dance moves whilst attempting to defend a corner kick, forcing the referee to give a penalty for a hand ball. James Milner scored from the spot, making it a 100% PK record for him (7/7 scored). Prior to the game, Paul Pogba released his own custom made emoji; it’s fair to say he had an absolute nightmare from the first whistle to the last. There’s certainly a few emoji’s I can think of that would describe the Frenchman’s performance. His team however, did manage to salvage a point. Swedish striker, and all round ego maniac, Zlatan Ibrahimovic popped up with a goal late into the second half. The self-proclaimed “God of Manchester”, step aside Liam Gallagher, has now scored 14 goals in 20 league games taking his total to 19. This has come as a bit of a surprise to the Manchester faithful who endured Ibra’s 5-week goal scoring drought earlier in the season.  So after all the blood and thunder of derby day, Liverpool sit 3rd merely 7 points adrift of leaders Chelsea whilst United sit in 6th place, 12 points off the league leaders.

Oh, I should mention that while all this went on Chelsea manager, Antonio Conte, stole some poor journalist’s cake.

Louis van Gall has retired. Yes, ex-Ajax, Barcelona, Netherlands, AZ, Bayern Munich, and Manchester United manager has retired from coaching, at the age of 65, after a career that spans 26 years. The Dutchman was sacked by Man Utd in May only hours after lifting the FA Cup, and has been unemployed ever since. The announcement came shortly after receiving a rather prestigious lifetime achievement award from the Dutch government. Van Gaal, has had a successful career in football, winning two European finals with Ajax, notably lifting the Champions League with the Dutch side in 1995 and wining the UEFA cup in 1992. His time in England was met with much criticism, and his stint as the Holland manager didn’t do his career many favours either. Van Gaal was at the helm of the Dutch national side when the team failed to qualify for the 2002 World Cup; it was the first time they had missed the tournament in 16 years. Alas, with two La Liga titles and one Bundesliga title to his name, Van Gaal, will be remembered fondly by some. Sadly, not all.

Juventus dropped a new logo this week, it’s awful!

Done. Next story.

China v The World. This week the Chinese Super League sent pundits, mangers, players, and fans into mass uproar, confusion and terror. As the January transfer window unfolds a new super power has emerged, and it would seem as though it looks to threaten the allure of some of the biggest leagues in world football. The CSL has hit English Premier League teams hard. This year Oscar made a move away from Chelsea to Shanghai SIPG for £52 million. He wasn’t the only one, Ramirez was purchased, Hulk was purchased, Axel Witsel, Teves, Alex Teixeira, Ezequiel Lavezzi, Paulinho and more are being pursued. Diego Costa is the next big target, and this week Yaya Toure reportedly rejected a £520,000-a-week deal from Jiangsu Suning!! Madness. Shockingly, it was also reported this week that Borussia Dortmund had been offered a sickening 135 million for Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang. It’s simply crazy money, and time will tell if it is something that can be sustained. But for now, there are many; players, manager, owners, and Association officials alike, whose heads are being turned by the Chinese purse.

FA Cup upsets; well there were plenty of those this week. Lincoln City FC and Sutton United, both from the fifth tier of English Football, went through to the Fourth Round of the FA Cup beating Ipswich Town (Championship – 14th place) and Wimbledon AFC (League One – 12th place) respectively. Lincoln City, who currently sit top of the National League, scored in injury time to seal a 1-0 victory. This is the first time in 41 years that the Imps have made it to the fourth round, they will face Brighton in the next game. Sutton United stunned 10-man Wimbledon; they scored 3 goals in the 75th, 90th and 96th minute. Their victory set up an FA Cup home tie against Championship side, Leeds United.

Anna Signeul has revealed that she will be stepping down as the Scotland manger after the European Championship in Holland this summer. It is a position Signeul has held for 12 years, and is a role in which she has excelled. The Swede has led Scotland’s women to their first major competition, while spearheading the growth and development of women’s football. Signeul introduced a real professionalism to the women’s game, and her methods have revolutionised the elite development of Scottish women’s football. #pioneer

Now we come to indeed the best and funniest story of the week. To the Eredivisie!

Unhappy with his team’s first half performance, the Heracles Almelo groundskeeper decided to vent his frustrations by leaving a giant snow penis on the pitch!! His side had suffered a disastrous first half against Groningen, conceding 3 goals in 9 minutes. The half time art work did not inspire a second half comeback, rather the visitors pilled on the misery scoring a 4th goal in the second half. The game finished 4-1, with Heracles picking up a consolation goal in the 89th minute. What a huge cock up!

 

ONES TO WATCH  

THE TOFFEES

Everton v Manchester City (post-match interview): https://youtu.be/IS7AQHHlM0A

 

MANCHETER UNITED V LIVERPOOL

Paul Pogba hits the dab: https://youtu.be/BvnhZNR49Wg

 

CONTE TAKES THE CAKE

“I taste a bit?”: https://youtu.be/DU3NE3MidUo

 

LOUIS VAN GAAL RETIRES

That Dive v Arsenal: https://youtu.be/zBmVLpzFhtY

 

JUVENTUS

Black and White and More: https://youtu.be/s26jlK8bUSY

 

CHINESE SUPER LEAGUE

From Chelsea to China: https://youtu.be/Y0qwtr5NIXQ

Why CSL?: https://youtu.be/G3t8SYuF1bE  

 

FA CUP UPSETS

Deacon scores and Sutton equalises: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38658274

Fitchett goal seals Sutton victory: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/38659079

 

ANNA SIGNEUL

Scotland Qualify for Euro 2017: https://youtu.be/9ePkd1zEi2I

 

HERACLES ALMELO

Groundskeeper leaves giant snow penis on the pitch: https://youtu.be/Bi2VfekdlYM